Shedding the shame

There's a line somewhere between over-sharing and being real.  I'm not good at knowing where that line is.  I usually have crossed it so far behind me that I can't even see it anymore before I realize there may be unpleasant consequences for what I've chosen to say or do in a particular moment. 

Still, what's the point of keeping a blog if it's just there to convince everyone including yourself that you're someone different than you truly are?  I've struggled to keep this blog pretty positive.  It gives a very skewed perception of my life as it's actually experienced though.  I suppose the other question would be who in the world really wants to read about the unpleasant bits?  People have enough of those in their own lives.So what I wonder is if it's selfish to "be real", to put all your problems out there where everyone can read about them or does it help people to know they might not be the only one struggling with a particular issue?  I can't make up my mind on that. 



The truth of the matter is that beneath the happy patter I try to keep up often, I fluctuate rapidly between emotional states of hopelessness and delusion.  I don't see anything that's not there or hear voices, but my common sense is a little strained around the edges.  I live mostly in my mind.  I worry about things that make no sense and when I'm very stressed, my mind begins generating irrational thoughts that I can take medication for.  The official diagnosis for my problems is Borderline Personality Disorder.  Scared the crap out of me when they first came up with that one.  Depression, even bipolar I can take into stride, but a personality disorder sounded dreadfully serious and worrisome.  Not something I signed up for at all. 

I've come to learn that like with most things in life, the key is to managing it well. I know what triggers bad episodes for me.  I'm learning healthy coping skills in therapy and I know that taking care of myself physically also helps me mentally.

I want to keep this blog mostly positive because that's the struggle I fight with myself, to stay on the positive side of things, but every now and then, you'll probably see a little of the conflict coming through in my posts or music selections.    I believe everyone has a certain balance of light and darkness in them and that whether we are worthy people or not depends on which side of ourselves we choose to pay attention to.  I fight to stay out of the darkness for my family, my friends, for myself and for the people I haven't met yet who I might be able to one day lend some hope to.  Living with mental illness is like any other disease except that it often goes unmentioned, undiagnosed and untreated because people are ashamed and don't want to be stigmatized.  I say that if those of us who do have some form of mood or personality disorder are just willing to stand up, admit it and then invite people to see past it to the fact that we are just people; people like everyone else, trying to live well and contribute whatever our personal gifts may be to the advancement of society, the stigma will die out as embarrassingly antiquated. 

So it's out of that conviction that I say something now.  It's not because I expect or desire sympathy.  Everyone has their own share of troubles.  I'm no different.  I just want to be open and honest about who I truly am, even if that depiction is not necessarily as flattering as the one I could make up.  I believe there's too much pretending out there already and it gives an unrealistic perspective of what it really means to be alive, to live a life.  Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful and to be a gift. 

So that's me in a nutshell.  Girl in conflict.  You probably already know a million of me out there.  Maybe you even identify with me yourself.  I just hope we can all help one another make each day a better one.