And now for a moment of shameless vapidness.....

God, Vin Diesel is H.O.T.  Just finished watching Fast Five and all I could think every time he came on screen was exactly that.  "God, Vin Diesel is hot".  It must have run through my mind a thousand times and then I took a moment to laugh at my silliness.  I am not a celebrity crush person, but yet there's always an exception to the rule, right? 

Sigh.

Moving on now.  Do you know what I want more than anything?  More than a pug?  More than an El Camino?  More than Vin Diesel in an El Camino with a pug?  (whoops, how did that Diesel reference slip in there?).  Seriously.  I want a gracious life. 

What am I talking about here?  I think Merriam sums it up masterfully:

d : characterized by charm, good taste, generosity of spirit,
      and the tasteful leisure of wealth and good breeding

It can also mean marked by kindness.  That is definitely part of my idea of a gracious life.  Simple.  Pastoral even yet sophisticated.  What it essentially boils down to in my mind is making people feel welcome.  Giving family and friends a safe (and charming) harbor to weather out the storms.  I don't mean by just painting my home that perfect Martha Stewart shade (although that is definitely desirable), but also by being the kind of person that can offer refuge to those in need, whether it's simply a hot cup of tea and a sympathetic ear or a warm hand to hold.  I desire my life to be a sanctuary for myself and for those I encounter.  I want to uplift and strengthen.  I can't do that without first working on me.  I struggle with a very powerful darker side of my nature that is bursting to the seams with self-doubt, guilt, loathing and all those other toady little parts of myself that I hesitate to acknowledge.  How does one spread love and charity without first having it for herself?

Last night was one of the few nights I have spent on my own since Zoë's birth 3 years ago and let me tell you, it was GOOD.  I didn't really do anything of note, but it was refreshing to have time to remember that before I became a wife or a mother, I was a person of her own with many varied interests and different past times.  Not all of them were very savory, I do admit and I would never go back to that period of life, but I can at least retrieve from it some of the good bits like my love of poetry, language and all things crafty and handmade.  I need some time and space to get reacquainted with me and appreciate who I am.