This has been a tough day for us. The ego has taken a few on the chin. You know what I'm really craving? Some appreciation. One person to come along and say "hey, I really see how hard you're trying to get and keep things together and I think you're swell." They don't actually have to use "swell". Any flattering, affirming adjective will do.
I'm listening to Love Lust. Still. Repeatedly. A million times in a day. Somewhere along the way I just burst into a spontaneous fit of tears and had to go retreat to the ladies room to get myself back together again. I've been yelled at, insulted, belittled and guilt-tripped a lot lately it seems and I just want to shout "STOP" to the world. "Treat me kindly, please. I'm feeling a little on the fragile end of the spectrum". I wouldn't mind being the object of someone's sincere appreciation/admiration. When King Charles sings
"...you've the strength of the greeks
you are god's masterpiece...
I believe in every breathe you believe..."
the seams of my heart strain just to the edge of coming undone. It's been a long time it seems since anyone has felt that way about me. More importantly, it's been eons since I've felt that way about myself. 'Cause let's be honest, that's what this is truly about. I am feeling a sense of claustrophobic panic as the facts of my current life seem to shrink in all around. Yet feeling unfulfilled is not in my mind an excuse to squelch on the whole "till death do us part" section of The Vows and run out and romance my way around the globe. Not that I'm slinging any stones. (ahem, gorge, meditate, lust).
To be fair, many, many years ago, I was once an interesting person. I was interested in my own life. I lived according to principles that mattered to me. I also had many more hangovers, but that is an entirely different matter.
We need to do some work, dear self. At some point, we got married, became a mommy and forgot that before we were any of those things we were a person of our own with distinct interests, goals and friendships. Let's pick up the poetry books again, shall we? Design some clothes. Change the hair color up a little. Mix some cocktails. Have a few nights out with the girls. Let's live again for crying out loud. Because we (and by we I do of course mean "I", but using "we" makes me feel much more royal) need it. It's hard to be a good and happy wife or a good and happy mommy unless we are a good and happy person first.
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