The Changeling's Cottage

Every time I think I'm all together and just fine, I come across another random reference to birth mothers and adoption and I just want to throw up.  I'm so SICK of that subject.  It's like lighter fluid and matches.  I want to cry and scream and beat something all at the same time.  Why is it so complicated?  Is it just because I'm the one making it complicated?   Why isn't it something I can get over and be over and just forget about?  It's a battle inside because I know she didn't have the advantages I have had and I had Zoë when I was much older and in a settled, happy marriage.  She had none of that so partly I feel sorrow for her and for the child I was and angry at her and angry at myself today for not being able to let go.  I would never recommend an in-family adoption.  It's been a miserable experience for everyone involved and on the other hand, I also don't think my life would have been as good if she had kept me.  My parents were able to give me things she couldn't, most importantly, a stable home so somewhere amidst all the other emotions is gratitude and guilt as well.  Guilt overshadows everything else.  I feel like my inability to get over makes everything worse.  I don't want my parents to think that I don't love them or that I regret being their child because I don't feel that way. I don't know.  I'm just so conflicted and I hate this subject.