I am a carp

Once, a long time ago, someone in my life chastised me for the language I used.  Not because I swore because back then, I was too young to curse often without fear of what my mom would do to me if she caught me.  No, I was lectured because I used words that I was told by my lecturer were too obscure and made me difficult to understand, to connect to.  That little rebuke changed me.  From then on, I clearly remember being very careful to not over-express myself through word choice or subject.  Other people clearly thought I was odd.  I wanted to distinguish myself from the crowd, but not by being the otherwise unremarkable odd-man-out.  I lost a little love of language that day and the courage to speak/write/think without obsessive pre-editing myself.  My focus became to be understood, to feel like I was making connection with others around me rather than truly expressing myself most authentically.  But what good is it to belong, to blend in and live in a fake skin, in a fake brain in a fake self all your life?  To be so heavily constrained, both inwardly and outwardly that you forget yourself.  It's like dying in slow motion.  I think Da Vinci was credited with saying that it is better to be alone than in inferior company.  To that, I would say it's better to be alone than in fake company.  Even in your own company.

This little cascade of thoughts was invoked by my photography class today.  We critiqued one another's work and looked at the work off different well-known photographers and it challenged the way we view the world around us, the way we view ourselves even.  I can't see myself for all the fear in the way.  Fear that I might seem ridiculous, odd, inept, inferior, incomplete.  Fear I might say the wrong thing, offend someone, hurt someone, reveal the edges of my ignorance.  All these things get in the way and become bricks in the wall I'm entombed behind, barely alive behind the facade I've built up for approval.  Most of my life revolves around distraction and staying on the surface because going any deeper than that gets me weird stares from most people who don't want to pay attention, question or challenge their own assumptions either.  Today though, surrounded by a group of people who are actively seeking to open their eyes wider, to truly see, experience and feel the world around them, I felt in my element.  The exchange of ideas and perspectives was exhilarating. The questioning, challenging wasn't intended to be offensive, but rather to bring about greater levels of awareness.  It was revitalizing.  I feel more alive when I leave those classes, closer to the person that I am rather than the one I try to make myself out as.

A great pain of writing the words as they come to me is the thought that people will interpret me as a pompous, blustery narcissist.  I guess the truth behind that is that sometimes that's exactly what I am, not always, but sometimes and I just don't want to expose myself so nakedly like that.  Yet how can I be my most authentic self until I'm willing to accept that portrayal will also include some inevitable flaws?  In the short and long term though, I think I'd rather take the risk of being who I am, all of who I am, including those less than flattering qualities than faking it.  The majority of people that I have met are comfortable staying on the surface most of the time, distracting themselves from strict self-examination by removing their awareness from the moments they inhabit.  Me, I'm happier diving deep, mucking about in the depths and cloudy silt, stirring everything up until it's almost unrecognizable.  The authentic life can be a lonely life, but nothing is lonelier than fitting in where you don't belong.