The Changeling's Cottage

Snap judgments are easy.  They feel justified.  After all, we know everything about everything, right?  So when someone says their a swinger or they served some jail time or they're missing some teeth, it's easy to just write them off as degenerate or defective.  As hard as I try not to be judgmental, it comes so naturally that sometimes I've passed judgment on someone without even being totally aware of doing it. 

There was someone who came into my life recently missing a good portion of their teeth. Somewhere in my mind, the label "white trash" was automatically generated.  Not that I treated them any differently, but secretly, in my internal reception of them, I knocked off a few acceptability points.  I guess somewhere along the way I made a compromise with myself that it was ok to judge people as long as I only did so privately. 

Today, that person was talking with difficulty, like someone who has had their teeth pulled.  Concerned, I asked them if they were well.  They then told me that they were a cancer survivor, mouth cancer, and their radiation treatment had compromised and weakened their jaw bone.  They were having severe mouth pain and their oncologist was worried and wanted to see them immediately.  It was a double punch.  Not only were they not well, but still smiling and carrying on as if everything was a-ok, it also opened up a completely different perception.  I had labeled them one way without even knowing anything about them, just based on their appearance.  Boy, I hate superficial people.  Sucks when I turn out to be one of them. 

Maybe I scramble to label people and mark them down as inferior in some way because I myself feel so inferior much of the time and really struggle with my self-image.  I think a stronger, healthier, better balanced person wouldn't feel the need to categorize others the way I do. 

I bring up the swinger subject because the bomb dropped recently that an acquaintance of mine is one.  I like her.  She's friendly and personable.  I don't agree with some of the choices she's making because they clash with my value system, but I do like her.  This weekend she shared a little about herself and how she got into swinging and even if it didn't change my view about the lifestyle, it did give me some insight into where she's coming from.

In different ways, I'm learning and relearning not to be so quick or harsh in my judgment of others.  I really want to minimize that portion of my personality and expand my ability to empathize and connect with people.